


A merry life

by Nisushi



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Awkward First Times, Fluff, M/M, Smut, Valentine gift, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 05:42:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13675413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nisushi/pseuds/Nisushi
Summary: ‘’What? Can’t I say you’re my true love, my everything, my-‘’Hide was muffled by Kaneki’s desperate hands. ‘’Please.’’‘’You’re going to be the dead of me sometime.’’





	A merry life

**Author's Note:**

> So, happy Valentine's day to all of you, but especially to dadankbank!  
> Here's your gift, hope you like it and have a nice day. 
> 
> (It became so much longer than I expected God)
> 
> \- N

For outsiders, the crispy sound of croissants being pulled apart would sound like an every-day gathering, or at least nothing special. For Kaneki, it was not. It would have been, if they had been at their usual place ( one that was near both of their places, so more as a convenience than a preference), and if the croissants hadn’t made a sound.

This place, however, was rather fancy and expensive and it had surprised Kaneki when Hide stopped here on their way to their usual place. And not only the place, but also coming with the idea to hang out in the weekend a week in advance was unusual for Hide. Not that Kaneki minded, he always loved to spend time outside with his friend, away from home even if it was only for a bit.

Kaneki bit his lip. His _friend_. He felt happy that it hadn’t changed through the years, finding himself still able to call him his friend, despite events that should have taken turns on that. Some things changed, only so trivial that it was impossible to notice. Kaneki found out that _friend_ could go with _lover_ without one outdoing the other. Some months ago, the new stamp on their so called relation sounded scary, but the familiarity that the old one brought with it made the uncomfortable feeling fade away.

Then there was the other side of change. Kaneki knew for himself that he was fine with how things went, but was it the same for Hide? The thought of the confession being conveyed so there would be change tended to haunt him at night. It only seemed logical for Hide to want something different. He wouldn’t have touched anything if he wasn’t desperate for change.  

He felt ashamed for loving what Hide might not be satisfied with.

Grease coated fluffy substance then touched his lips. ‘’You’re thinking too hard.’’ Hide sat bent over the table and waved with his lunch in his hand, and Kaneki quickly pushed his inner dilemmas away. He rubbed his eyes. ‘’And it’s not even the season yet.’’

Hide fell back in his seat with such a motion that Kaneki worried for him to fall backwards. ‘’Please don’t get even started on that.’’ Kaneki shrugged, sipping his coffee. Hide leaned down on the table with his head on his crossed arms.

‘’You’ve probably already started studying, you big nerd.’’

‘’The exams are still months away, so no. I haven’t got it that bad.’’

‘’How about Kamii then?’’

‘’That’s another thing. Mock exams for the entrance start early, so making an early start on that doesn’t hurt,’’ Kaneki set his cup down and looked at Hide. ‘’And it wouldn’t hurt _you_ either.’’

‘’Ah, but Kaneki, you underestimate the power of all-nighters.’’ Hide wiggled with his eyebrows, and before Kaneki could begin about how that would disturb his health, Hide was one step ahead of him. ‘’I’ll start a week prior to avoid most of the irregular sleep patterns.’’

Not that Kaneki believed any that of that, but he at least showed some relief on his face. Hide’s expression felt too all-knowing, though.

‘’You’re such a mom sometimes, you know.’’

Kaneki huffed. ‘’Stop calling me weird names. And it’s only because I care about you.’’ He was a second too late to register what he just had said. Hide beaming was the proof of that.

‘’Kaneki Ken, what did you just say?’’

Kaneki didn’t dare to look Hide into his eyes. Getting worked up from such a little thing. This was something he still had to master.

‘’You heard it damn well. You’re just teasing.’’ He cringed when he almost heard Hide’s grin grow bigger.

‘’Awh, I care about you too.’’ Unfortunately, Kaneki was able to catch a whispered _honey_ sticking at the end of the sentenced. He flushed and glared at Hide, who gave him an innocent look back. It was so unfair, how Hide didn’t seem to be influenced by his own boldness. ‘’Does that appear on the ‘weird names’ list, my darling?’’ Panicking, Kaneki tried to shush Hide with some force.

‘’Hide, not so loud-‘’

‘’What? Can’t I say you’re my true love, my everything, my-‘’

Hide was muffled by Kaneki’s desperate hands. ‘’Please.’’ And Kaneki thought he finally got Hide to stop, only to jerk his hands away when he felt something wet against his palm. For an unspoken ‘you didn’t’, he got a ‘yes I did’ back, and Kaneki slumped back into his seat, wiping off the wetness that stuck on his hand on his pants. Hide was going to be the dead of him.

‘’You’re going to be the dead of me sometime.’’

‘’I know.’’

 

They were strolling along the streets when Hide stopped again. Hide gave a pleading look, Kaneki shook his head and let the other take him inside the music store. Hide wandered past various titles and genres with Kaneki on his heels. Hide took a few minutes looking through the aisle before walking off to the foreign music. Kaneki first thought he would never understand Hide’s love for English music. He still did.

Kaneki decided that he had seen enough at where he was left alone, and moved to where Hide was standing, looking over the other’s shoulder to see what he was holding. Kaneki hummed. ‘’I don’t get why you would still buy these. It’s much cheaper to have all the music digitally, right?’’

Hide laughed. ‘’Ah, but why do you get the physical version of your books instead of using an e-book?’’

‘’Because I like to have the real thing.’’

‘’Exactly.’’ Kaneki stumped Hide playfully on his shoulder when he saw an almost arrogant smirk appearing, which would mostly when Hide felt especially clever.

They walked around a little more, exchanging a few words, taking albums that held their interest from their holder every now and then. Kaneki wasn’t really paying attention to what he was he doing, catching himself mostly following Hide’s movements from the corner of his eye. His worries from earlier were still, well, worrying him. Hide appeared to be relaxed with the situation, always seemed to be, but it could be that he was good at hiding it. Was holding back for Kaneki.

He looked at the ground and took a figurative step back. Did he himself want to stay as they were? Then why did he go with the whole new relationship anyway?

Kaneki was startled by a sudden grip on his shoulders, and he turned around to see Hide with a plastic bag in one hand. ‘’Guess we’re done here?’’ Hide nodded, a pinch of concern swirling in his brown eyes. He must have stared into the nothingness for a long time. ‘’I am. Don’t know if you still want to pick something.’’ When Kaneki let him know he had nothing to look for, they exited to give themselves to the now bustling streets of the city. The sun was starting to set.

‘’Wanna go for the long route?’’ Kaneki nodded and walked silently next to Hide’s side. He looked at him when he felt the warm back of a hand touching his colder one. Hide kept his eyes on where they were going, not moving a muscle in his face, and Kaneki slowly took the other’s hand, turning his gaze forward as well.

‘’Huh?’’ Hide had mumbled something Kaneki couldn’t quiet catch, and Hide turned towards Kaneki, an easy smile on his face. ‘’I asked if you liked jazz. You stood in that area for quite some time just now.’’

‘’Uh, I dunno. I guess a little.’’

‘’You should tell me if you do. Better buy a record player then.’’

Kaneki gave him a confused look. ‘’Why would you do that?’’ 

‘’You know my Gran right? She still has a lot of records from her time when that kind of stuff was still appreciated I guess,’’ Hide swung their arms a little. ‘’She always tries to get rid of those, which means passing them to me, but for me they’re practically useless.’’

‘’That’s why you’d buy a record player?’’

‘’And it would definitely look nice in my new apartment,’’ Hide shrugged. Kaneki had to repeat the words in his head. He hadn’t expected Hide to be looking for a place to move in to so soon. He himself had been searching, yes, but, on contrary to Hide, he had no option to stay at his present home after graduating from high school. His aunt would with no doubt kick him out the day school wouldn’t be watching him anymore, so he better was prepared when the day came. Hide could stay with his parents as long as he still wanted, and for an ‘I’ll do it later’ kind of person this was peculiar.

‘’You’ve been thinking of moving out of your parents’ so soon?’’ Hide shrugged again. ‘’It felt good to give everything a new start when we’ll be in college, and…’’ he seemed to be lost at words to use, seeing a pinkish colour covering his cheeks that was even visible in this light.

‘’And it would be good to be ready when you’re going to leave your home.’’ It didn’t quite make sense to Kaneki just yet. But he wanted to know why Hide became so worked up about it.

‘’So?’’

‘’So you can immediately move in with me.’’ It was said with one breath, and Hide tore his face from the ground to look at Kaneki with all the power he could muster. Almost pained, he looked. Maybe he expected rejection, and Kaneki felt guilty for making Hide think that.

Then again, he had never seen this coming, so he must have shock written all over his face. Living with Hide? He hadn’t ever thought about that, longing for the idea of the freedom that came with living alone for so long. Ever since his mother had left him and he had to live under the roof of his only family left, he had been planning out on his life as an independent person. So much that there was never place for thinking about other people living with him.

They stood still, people passing them, and Kaneki finally got that Hide was waiting for an answer. The issue here was that Kaneki didn’t know what he wanted. He felt almost… weird for not saying yes without another thought. That’s how it should be, right? They had that kind of relationship, so the idea of living together with your love should be a dream. Why didn’t it feel like that for Kaneki then?

He was holding back again, wasn’t he. Hide would surely be done with this and leave Kaneki, wouldn’t he. Kaneki wasn’t ready for that. So he lied.

‘’I… I would really like to.’’ Hide was but convinced, and Kaneki started to panic. If he did his best for only once. ‘’Hide, please, I really want to.’’ Pathetic. Hide started to frown.

‘’Kaneki, come with me for a sec,’’ and Hide took him by his wrist and lead him with a quick pace to a lonely alleyway between a convenience store and a café. They stood face to face, neither said anything. Kaneki was shivering, too scared of what was going to happen. This day went so well, just for him to ruin it again.

‘’Is there something wrong?’’ From Hide’s tone, Kaneki could already guess that he knew that something was wrong.

‘’No, there isn’t.’’

Hide sighed. ‘’Let me rephrase it then. What’s wrong?’’ Kaneki wanted to tell, really, but it was so embarrassing. And if he was right about Hide, what would he do if Hide felt restricted in their relationship and do things against his will for Kaneki’s sake?

‘’Hide, I really want to.’’ His voice cracked.

‘’Then why are you crying?’’ Kaneki gasped. He hadn’t noticed his throat contracting or  the heat behind his eyelids. How was he still going to convince Hide?

‘’H-hide, plea… please. I want-‘’

‘’Please stop that and calm down.’’ Hide laid his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders, soothingly rubbing down to his arms. Serious eyes were across his own. It only took that much for Kaneki to spill everything most of the time. Hide knew that too.

‘’Can you explain? Only if you want to though.’’ It was hushed, and Kaneki was surprised that he could still hear it over his erratic breathing. ‘’I-I don’t want to…’’

He was so bad at this. He was so terribly bad at this and he didn’t know how to make himself any better. Fortunately, Hide knew his flaws all too well and gave him his time.

‘’You-you’re always so kind, e-even though I don’t give you anything.’’ _Like being a coward and not changing anything. Like never listening to you, or asking you how you feel._ ‘’I’m s-so sorry.’’

He hid behind his hands. ‘’I’ve been holding us b-back and you… you want to change t-things but nothing h-has and I-I’m the worst boyfriend.’’

Kaneki felt the palms of Hide’s hands on his hands, taking them away from his face. Kaneki only saw the same affectionate smile on Hide’s face that he mostly saw. He was confused for a moment, he really thought that Hide was going to be far more distant now he may have gotten the idea that this wasn’t going to work. It didn’t seem so.

‘’That’s all?’’

Kaneki thought and shook his head. ‘’I… I don’t think I can do anything about it,’’ he sniffed. ‘’I’m sorry.’’

Hide laughed. It wasn’t mocking or teasing, just a light fill-up of the silence. ‘’You could have just told me. I didn’t need a response so quick you know.’’ Hide planted his hand on Kaneki’s cheek. ‘’And also, do you really think I’m not happy right now?’’ Kaneki nodded. ‘’Because I don’t wanna brag or something, but I think I can say I’ve been the happiest on this earth since I could call you my boyfriend.’’ Hide got a punch back for that. ‘’Oh, shut up you sap.’’ He wiped away the last tears and realised he would indeed die someday because of this boy.

‘’It’s true, I mean I don’t have to feel guilty anymore for staring at you or think too long before touching you or restrain myself from kissing you every time-‘’

‘’Okay that’s enough.’’ It was the second time today Kaneki had to put his hands over Hide’s mouth to stop him, this time fortunately no tongue could be felt. Only a grin. Kaneki let him go. ‘’But I think you get the point. Everything and nothing changed, and I’m totally fine with it. Actually, wouldn’t want to miss it for a single second.’’

Kaneki stared at the ground which was hard too see now the sun had set. ‘’Hide, do you ever know when to stop.’’

Hide scratched his neck and chuckled. ‘’Well, only when you tell me to…’’

He was again interrupted, but this time by Kaneki’s lips instead of his hands. They didn’t move to not make its innocence to waste. It was just experiencing the moment. When Kaneki pulled away, Hide coughed and he noticed that Hide was redder than he was before. It felt like a small victory on its own.

‘’It’s starting to get late. Want me to walk you to your house?’’

‘’Ah, yes.’’

They were mostly silent during the way to Kaneki’s aunt’s house. He was still in his head, thinking about how many lost hours of sleep were about paranoia. He felt lighter for the first time again, even when they were heading towards where he had to say goodbye to Hide. That it only took so many minutes to change the whole view on the situation.

He also felt like he was slowly suffocating, but then as good as it could be. Hide crawled under his skin and it made him itch to do something, anything to come closer to the other. It was the kind of effect on the chest that would be the same as ready to start crying, only euphoric and fleeting. Kaneki asked himself if this was what puppy love was. He had always found it silly, but now wouldn’t want to lose its feeling.  

He blamed Hide for becoming so sentimental.

Hide sighed when they entered the neighbourhood. ‘’It’s such a shame that we ended up doing drama talk so late. I had planned to take you to that movie you were obviously going to bawl at.’’

That reminded Kaneki of another thing that had been nagging him today. ‘’What’s all the speciality for today? You never plan things out for dates and then there was this fancy café we went to, and now a movie? Neither of our birthdays are today.’’

‘’Ha, no,’’ Hide snorted. ‘’Because it’s Valentine’s day today.’’

‘’Oh.’’

He caught up to Hide after he woke up from his daze. Kaneki felt bad for forgetting, acknowledging this day as something not important, while Hide had put a lot of effort in making something out of the day. ‘’You don’t have to feel sorry or anything. I just thought that a little something would have been nice.’’

The destination was coming into view, and Kaneki felt the urge to stop both of them to… to do what? Kaneki didn’t know what he wanted to do, except for maybe relieving that intense energy rushing through him. Would screaming help?

It were changes and it suddenly didn’t frighten Kaneki anymore. He trusted Hide with it.

‘’Here we are.’’ Standing in front of the door, Hide gestured to the house. Kaneki’s heart thumped erratically in his chest, and he didn’t understand why he was so nervous. It was just Hide. Then again, Hide was something else.

‘’Is your family at home?’’

‘’No, they are out of town ‘till Sunday evening.’’

‘’That’s… good.’’

It was. It was always better when there was no one else so Kaneki could feel some sort of freedom. Hide knew that too. Yet now, it was even better. Family brings problems and problems weren’t what he was hoping for right now.

‘’It is.’’

They both looked down, not knowing how to part, or maybe enjoying extending the time together. Hide stopped the little game after a few minutes, though.

‘’I guess it’s time for me to go then.’’ Kaneki hummed, and watched Hide hesitating for a moment before taking Kaneki’s chin so he could look at him. ‘’I had a lot of fun today.’’ Kaneki chuckled. ‘’Me too. Thank you so much for this day Hide. Really.’’

‘’That’s good, but I think I’ll go for real now. This position is kinda weird for outsiders to look at and I don’t want to embarrass you.’’ Kaneki’s eyebrows shot up, as if to ask ‘only me’, but went neutral again when Hide came closer to put their lips together. And that was it for Kaneki, the spark of warmth that added up to the frustration when he felt Hide’s lips.

Hide pulled slowly back, gave one nod and turned around, only to be grabbed by his wrist and to look back again.

‘’Hide, please have sex with me.’’

Hide sputtered and Kaneki wanted to laugh at the face, but then the words that he had just said came to him and he knew that this was the end for him.

How was he going to talk himself out of this? Kaneki didn’t even get why he said that or why he was even thinking that. What was he thinking? The suggestion of screaming from earlier seemed so much more likable than what he had just done.

Kaneki was not sure whether all of the blood in his body went to his face or that he was paler than Death, because he couldn’t feel anything other than utter embarrassment. Also, he lost all the control over his body and had no choice to watch every movement of every muscle in Hide’s face.

‘’What?’’

‘’I-I don’t know.’’ Kaneki’s mouth felt dry and words came from nowhere. It was at least amusing to see Hide being lost at what to do. Somewhere, far in the furthest corner of his mind, he thought.

‘’Is that, uh, is that something you want?’’ Suddenly, his mouth wasn’t dry anymore. Instead, he felt like he was going to throw up. Did Hide feel disturbed or disgusted or anything else that described a negative feeling? Kaneki concluded that it wasn’t the case, because Hide’s face didn’t show any of that.

‘’I don’t know.’’

There was silence. The typical silence that came when people were debating with themselves when to make a move. Then Hide groaned.

‘’You’re making it so difficult for me Kaneki.’’

‘’W-what?’’ Kaneki was new this way of Hide reacting, for he seemed uncomfortable but still tried to lighten up the situation with the satire in his voice. ‘’Why?’’

‘’Because it’s _you_!’’

‘’That makes no sense!’’

‘’ _You_ make no sense!’’

‘’Why do _I_ _not make_ -‘’

‘’ _Because everything you say messes me up_!’’ The same frustration was mirrored in Hide’s words. The frustration Kaneki felt, it was. ‘’You start about holding back and then I say that it’s fine, _which it is_ , but then you say things like wanting to bang and I simply don’t get it anymore!’’

Getting flustered over Hide’s bold words was silly since he was only rephrasing Kaneki. Maybe that’s why, because it was a reminder of his own side. Also, he hadn’t expected Hide to react like that.

‘’Hide, aren’t you turning down the… the-‘’

‘’I’m not rejecting you, though I still don’t really get it.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’That. What I just said.’’ Hide was being uncharacteristically vague. Most of the time it was Kaneki and only him, that was why they fit each other so well. Hide guessed and came to the point when Kaneki was unable to. It was an unspoken of system, and Hide had just broken it.

‘’That I’m… contradicting myself?’’

‘’Exactly.’’

‘’Feelings… can change every second?’’ Now he was just trying to avoid saying what he thought. Kaneki wanted to hit himself. Maybe he wanted to hit Hide even harder.

‘’Why?’’

‘’I don’t know! That’s how it works and it isn’t like I can do anything about it.’’

‘’So… this is what you want and it’s not something like you pushing yourself because you think that’s how it works?’’

‘’…It isn’t.’’

‘’You swear it?’’

‘’I swear it.’’ What was he swearing again? Gazing at Hide, Kaneki found out that he too needed some time to figure that out.

Hide came closer again, and Kaneki felt the urge to leap back. So he did, until his back touched the door. Hide, still searching for something on his face, took a deep breath. ‘’You’re really, really sure?’’

‘’I’m really sure.’’

Hide smiled nervously, and Kaneki didn’t know why. ‘’Then it’s- It’s good that no one’s home.’’

Then Hide’s chest was touching his own and he was breathing soft, but quick breaths in his ear. ‘’I’m not really sure what I’m doing now, though.’’

A kiss fell onto his lips and it felt like something new, even if they had been through this so many times. It was probably the tension it hold with it, and when that fell, lips relaxed and moved against each other. And Kaneki remembered what this was all about.

Hide pressed against him even harder, holding his shoulders with the same force. It was enough to put all of his own strength right there, so Kaneki had nothing to hold against the invading tongue licking over his lip, his teeth, and then his own.

This was new, but some instinct moved his tongue to slowly stroke against Hide’s. Nothing too bad. It was almost soothing if it had not been for the underlying excitement rushing through the rest of his body. He even had the idea that he couldn’t move anything but his lips and tongue.

When Hide drew back, Kaneki nipped softly at his lip by accident, and he wanted to apologize but the small sound he got back told him otherwise. Was Hide feeling it? His sharp inhalations said yes.

Their foreheads touched, and Hide was searching again, for some disturbed look or something. When he couldn’t find it, he let his eyes flicker to the ground for one second, to think, and be up again a moment after.

‘’Was that good?’’

‘’It was.’’

‘’Can we go further?’’ Hide sounded like an eager toddler who knew it wasn’t appropriate to ask. Kaneki liked the way he used _we_ , so he wouldn’t tease.

‘’I think we can.’’

‘’Okay,’’ Hide chuckled. ‘’Cool.’’

For a moment it was silent again, until Kaneki decided to burst into laughter. There was Hide’s way of handling that was so, Hide. Too overjoyed to properly hide it, but still keeping his calm to not overbear the ones around him.

Kaneki finally calmed down after a bit, looking at a confused Hide, which brought a new wave of laughter.

‘’W-what is so funny? Is there something on my face?’’ He rubbed all over his face, finding nothing and shot Kaneki another asking look.

‘’I… it’s just-,’’ Kaneki attempted to slow down his breathing. ‘’It’s you.’’

Hide gaped. ‘’What did I do?’’

‘’I love you.’’

It was ridiculous how many times he could get embarrassed over his own doings. Hide put his forehead onto Kaneki’s, eyes wide. ‘’Don’t say stuff like that so suddenly. I’ll get giddy.’’

Hide kissed his lips with open mouth, taking Kaneki’s upper lip between his own. The hot air coming from the other made Kaneki melt, and now he got a fair idea that Hide wasn’t joking around. Hide’s lips went to the corner of his, tracing down to his jaw where he sucked lightly.

Kaneki gasped and felt hot and bothered. Hide was driving him mad, and it became worse when he went to his throat and the wetness of Hide’s tongue came into contact with his skin in between the sucking.

He grasped at Hide’s upper arms, making his friend stop so he could look at him. ‘’We… we’re still outside.’’ Hide oh’ed and stepped back to give Kaneki some space, rubbing his neck nervously.

‘’Can I-‘’

‘’We should-’’

They both chuckled. The tension was back, but it was a good one that warmed up the nerves. ‘’You go first,’’ Hide gestured to Kaneki.

‘’We should get inside before, continuing.’’ Kaneki honestly didn’t know if he was able to pick this up again once they were inside, but he would give it a try.

‘’So I can come in?’’

Hide sounded like he hadn’t expected that. It was kind of sweet in one way, not forcing any expectations onto them.

‘’Yes,’’ Kaneki nodded. ‘’At least, if you want to…’’

‘’Hell yeah.’’

Kaneki inhaled, then exhaled, turned towards the door and tried to remember how to open a door. He remembered and found his keys in the pocket of his coat, struggled to find the right one, put it into the lock and silently opened the door.

The corridor and rest of the house was dark, and Kaneki felt like he had to whisper even if there weren’t any other people. He still did.

‘’You can put your stuff upstairs,’’ Kaneki commented when Hide was already busy shrugging off his jacket. He was afraid for the chance that his family would suddenly come back. Getting caught for letting someone in, especially at night, would surely make a hell out of his life. He couldn’t take any risks to leave any signs that gave the idea of other people being here beside himself. Hide seemed to understand, and nodded quickly.

Kaneki hung his own coat on the rack, pulled off his shoes, locked the door and went to check the windows and backdoor in the kitchen. He could see his own reflection in the marble top of the cooking island with the help of the moonlight. Even the vague silhouette was a mess. Kaneki sighed.

Suddenly, there were arms around his waist, caressing his hipbones and stomach. ‘’Hide,’’ Kaneki gasped as if the hot energy had never paused. Kaneki leaned into Hide’s figure, not sure what to do.

Then he turned around and only took a second to look at the other’s face before moving forward, meeting Hide’s lips halfway. It had more speed than before, as they moved and got bolder on a much quicker pace. Kaneki felt like he was going to be sucked up by Hide and he liked it. A lot.

There were hands moving from Kaneki’s waist to one on his thigh and the other under his sweater, to his ribs. All he could do was strangling his hands into Hide’s hair with the encouragements of the gasps and small moans Hide would give. In contrary to Kaneki, Hide didn’t seem to be self-conscious about what flew out of his mouth.

Kaneki took a moment to think about, how nice kissing was. He always imagined it as a disgusting act, but the mixture of feel-goods he got from the passionate strokes that became messier by the second, he would never want to miss that.

Every time Hide became louder, he pressed himself closer to Kaneki as well. Kaneki was again stuck between Hide and an object, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind the blunt hands traveling over parts he had never showed anyone. He didn’t mind Hide moving from his thigh to in between his legs and…

Kaneki’s eyes went wide and he gasped hard into Hide’s mouth. He stopped his own movements, Hide following his example. This was a first, that was for certain. A first for being in this kind of situation where Kaneki knew for sure they both thought ‘what now?’. Kaneki hadn’t noticed the tight pressure between his legs before, and noticed even later that Hide hadn’t moved his hand yet.

Kaneki looked at Hide, and swallowed. Hide was red and his hair defied gravity even more than it usually did.

‘’Don’t worry. I am too.’’

‘’Huh?’’ And Kaneki startled when he felt Hide putting his hand on his hard-on, and yes, Hide was definitely feeling it too.

Kaneki pressed without thinking, and Hide screwed his eyes shut and groaned. ‘’S-sorry. I… I didn’t mean to-‘’

‘’No need to apologize, just…’’

‘’Should we go upstairs?’’

‘’Please,’’ Hide whined when Kaneki took his hand back, and it did something with Kaneki that he had so much influence on Hide.

They went upstairs and into Kaneki’s room with some rush, shutting the door behind them. Standing across each other, Kaneki could just see Hide’s outline with again the help of the light outside that shone through his window.

Now that Hide didn’t make any move, Kaneki felt lost at where to begin. There had been moments in his life, very small and hidden ones, that Kaneki had thought about how this would go, even when it had still been a very unlikely thing to happen. In his head, there always was a lot of talking and gradually becoming closer to one another, and touches becoming more intimate in a slow pace. Now, it had kind of struck him, without any warning.

That didn’t mean that he didn’t like it, because Kaneki liked it. A lot more than he would ever admit.

‘’Can I take my shoes off?’’ Kaneki nodded, gazing at the wall in front of him. He woke up again when Hide put his hands in his own, and the not yet died down mood from earlier made him feel so sensitive. He had to fight back the urge to gasp at the minimal touch.

‘’Are you alright?’’ Hide’s concern rippled through him. Kaneki nodded again, not trusting his voice. ‘’Then, uhm, can I ask you for one thing?’’ Hide’s face came closer, a crease between his eyebrows. Kaneki looked at him expectantly, a little afraid of the thought that swum through his mind that told him Hide wanted to stop.

‘’This is a little hard for me, so bear with me for a second,’’ Hide thumped Kaneki’s back of his hand.

‘’This is… my first time and I know nothing goes right at the first try,’’ his eyes shot to anywhere, not focussed in his head, Kaneki thought. He waited patiently.

‘’But- but please tell me when you… when you don’t like something or, something, because I want to do it right and-‘’

‘’I get it Hide,’’ a small smile could be heard in his voice, and he hoped that Hide was able to pick it up as well. ‘’I trust you.’’

‘’Really?’’

‘’Really.’’

‘’And you don’t think it’s too soon?’’

‘’Well, you’ll be turning eighteen soon,’’ Kaneki didn’t think that this was also on Hide’s mind. He was too good for him. So thoughtful. ‘’A-and I don’t really have a problem with it, only… Only if you think it’s too soon, t-then we can totally do it later.’’

‘’If you’re in for it, then I am too.’’

‘’Okay.’’

How had they managed to go at each other so smoothly just now? Kaneki didn’t dare to step forward, as everything felt like a wrong move, and he could sense Hide feeling the same.

But Kaneki had made more questioning moves this day, so it didn’t matter anyway. ‘’Could we kiss again?’’ Honestly, this was stupid. He sounded stupid and this whole situation shouldn’t be so stupid. It toppled over when Hide sped forward and placed his lips on Kaneki’s again.

Hide licked the corner of his lips before diving into his mouth. Kaneki absent-mindedly thought about how Hide worked almost professionally now he didn’t have to put things into words. And Hide was the one of the words.

His nerves were prickled to their max again and Kaneki moaned when he thought he was at his limit. ‘’H-hide…’’ Kaneki took his shoulders and pushed him a little, but went with him as Hide moved backwards. ‘’Bed?’’ Hide went to kiss his neck to give him a chance to talk, but all Kaneki could do was pant.

Instead, he pulled Hide with him to his bed as an answer. Feeling the bed against his calves, Kaneki let go of Hide to feel behind him and slowly lower himself onto the mattress. Looking up at Hide, he decided that he would go for it, took the hem of Hide’s shirt, and pulled him on with him on the bed. It was a tight fit, but the whole point was being close to each other, right?

‘’You still okay?’’

Kaneki huffed, taking a moment to become aware of Hide being everywhere. ‘’I’m okay,’’ he averted his eyes. ‘’Just, nervous… I guess?’’

Hide raised his eyebrows. ‘’You guess?’’

‘’I guess.’’

‘’Well, then I guess we’re getting it on tonight.’’

 _What_? But Hide lightly pressed his groin on Kaneki’s, with uncertainty, before Kaneki could ask. He sucked in air, clamped the sheets. Hide did it again, now with more confidence. Then he moved to have one of Kaneki’s legs between his and one of his own between Kaneki’s, rutting against Kaneki’s leg now.

The long, slow moves were getting the best of both. Kaneki couldn’t see how Hide was doing, he had pressed his whole self against Kaneki, not leaning on his arms anymore, panting in Kaneki’s ear. Kaneki almost held still, letting everything sink in. Hesitant, he put his hands on Hide’s back and gripped the over-washed fabric of the shirt, feeling the muscles working the same motion as the rest of Hide.

‘’Hmm, ‘Neki,’’ Hide nibbled on his ear, and Kaneki whimpered. ‘’We’ve… to get these off.’’ Hide started to pull on Kaneki’s clothes, and Kaneki understood what Hide was trying to say. He mirrored him and pushed Hide to give him some space to pull Hide’s shirt.

Hide shook his shirt off with some frustration, and Kaneki didn’t get a lot of time to take a look at the new skin as his own sweater blocked his view. Kaneki let Hide pull it off and throw it next to the bed with his own shirt. Hide immediately went down on him, again not giving Kaneki any time to appreciate Hide. It was probably to keep the speed up, but at least Kaneki could touch what he couldn’t see.

Hide’s skin was warm, even though it was Winter. Tracing a path from the shoulder blades to his spine now that Hide was going a little slower. It was like a little break. Hide was still against him, having his lips on Kaneki’s collarbone, not moving.

‘’Hide?’’

‘’Yeah?’’

‘’What now?’’

‘’Dunno, get rid of the pants?’’

Hide went down to his chest, taking one nipple between his lips and sucked. Kaneki’s breath hitched and he lifted his chest to come closer to Hide. ‘’Y-yeah, we- ahh… can d-do that.’’

It’s not that it was anything new for them to see each other like this, but it was so different than before. Hide looked up at Kaneki, and he gave a nod back. He closed his eyes when he felt Hide’s hands rubbing his sides, going lower until they reached the seam of his pants. Hide moved under it.

Then they went to his front and suddenly all that was between Kaneki and Hide was his underwear. Arousal still there, Kaneki awaited Hide’s next move nervously.

Hide probably went too fast, yanking off his pants without unbuttoning, and unexpectantly, Kaneki was naked. It took him a second to long to notice the cold air on erection, his clothes already around his knees.

‘’Hide!’’

Hide seemed to be unaware of what he had done, and he looked at Kaneki with almost pure innocence. ‘’…What?’’ Hide asked only to slowly lowering his gaze when Kaneki quickly shoved his hands down to cover himself.

Kaneki could exactly pinpoint when Hide realised it. His eyes widened and his mouth mimed an _oh_. Kaneki’s face heated up and he felt like he was going to die.

‘’Oh fu- Kaneki, s-sorry! Here, uh, let me help you get these on…’’ Hide fumbled with Kaneki’s underwear and tried to shove them back on, mumbling apologies over and over. But Kaneki didn’t put his hands away.

‘’Don’t- don’t mind it Hide,’’ Kaneki averted his eyes when he felt Hide looking up again. ‘’J-just… continue.’’  

Hide’s face did something peculiar right then. He looked more, intense. Slowly, Hide took off Kaneki clothes off entirely, and then moved his hands to Kaneki’s. He gently took them in his own, and pulled them away without looking away from Kaneki once.

‘’You can… look.’’ Hide breathed out what he apparently was holding. ‘’ _Fuck_ ,’’ Hide only looked for a moment before coming back to his chest and nipping at his nipple again.

‘’Ah-ahh…’’ Hide let go of one of Kaneki’s hands and started rubbing his thump over Kaneki’s cock. Surely, Hide then took him with his whole hand, stroking him without a rhythm.

‘’H-hide, take- hmm…  yours off too.’’ Kaneki whined as he lost the friction, but was relieved to have a moment of rest. He looked down and saw Hide leaning back on his knees, focussing on unclasping his belt and unbuttoning and unzipping his pants.

Kaneki couldn’t help but stare at the green underwear that came into view when the pants lowered. This was bringing him to a whole new level. Anticipation for what was coming next.

Hide set his thumps under the elastic of his underwear, and pushed it down. Kaneki felt like he was committing a sin by simply watching, so he turned his gaze to the ceiling when Hide took care of taking off everything.

Weight dipped beside his head, and Hide came into his view, smiling weakly. ‘’So, how you doin’?’’

Kaneki chuckled, feeling not so exposed anymore, only…

‘’It’s a little cold.’’

‘’Well, then I should just warm you up.’’

‘’I think so too.’’ Hide kissed him, small and light ones escalating quickly to prying open lips and licking into mouths. Then Hide lowered himself, moving his hips against Kaneki’s, and, oh, that felt so much better than with clothes on. Kaneki bucked his hips up, grasping for Hide shoulders and hiding his face into the other’s neck.

‘’Ahh… Ka- ngh… Kaneki.’’ Kaneki listened to every breath Hide took, and an occasional groan or moan. He thought it kept him from losing everything right then. He didn’t want to end this now, so he focussed on the other instead of his own pleasure.

Hide’s hand was traveling everywhere, starting on his ribs, gliding over his stomach, then the bucking hips, to the crease of his ass and touched his entrance. Kaneki gasped, falling back onto the pillow, not sure what had happened.

Hide immediately stopped, giving Kaneki a concerned look. ‘’I’m sorry, I- is that not okay?’’

‘’It’s fine, just- it just surprised me. T-that’s all.’’ Kaneki coaxed Hide to continue, but when Hide put his fingers back to where he had stopped, Hide pushed in a finger, and that wasn’t how it was supposed to feel, right?

Kaneki whimpered Hide’s name. It didn’t feel comfortable at all, and he had promised to tell Hide when something did not feel good, but he was so scared that this was something that should happen and he was going to cancel this whole thing because he couldn’t man up for once and not give up immediately and how would Hide-

‘’Kaneki, is something wrong?’’ Hide slowly took his hand back, looking lost. Did Hide feel like that because he thought he hurt him?

‘’Ah, it’s just that, it doesn’t feel… comfortable.’’ Kaneki waited for Hide to be disappointed, feared for it, but it never happened. Instead he watched Hide slap his hand against his face.

‘’ _Shit_ , Kaneki, I’m so stupid. I-I forgot to, uh, lube you up or something. I’m so so sorry…’’ Hide looked ashamed, and Kaneki had to take a moment to figure out what he was talking about. He felt relief flushing over him, because he wasn’t the problem, but then realised that there was a new problem.

With what were they supposed to do this?

‘’So… you’ve got anything here? Like lube or, or any kind of… moisturizer?’’

There was his answer. Kaneki could only think about one thing, and he wasn’t certain if it was the best, but that was for later to worry about. Kaneki nodded, shuffling himself from under Hide.

He left Hide on the bed without saying anything, and walked out of the room to the bathroom. Kaneki knew that this was probably going to be the most risk-taking he was going to do for today, maybe for his whole life. He switched on the light, walked over to the cabinets and found what he was looking for: His aunt’s hand lotion.

He took the little tube and registered the exact place he had taken it from. Kaneki had to remind himself to put it back after they were done, if he didn’t want to remember this as a cause of creating a hell out of his life, that is.

Kaneki walked back into his room, closing the door. He saw Hide lying on his side, and even in this light, he could see Hide’s pupils blown up. Kaneki also saw Hide’s full body for the first time this night, and he didn’t know how to react. He could only think about how, arousing the boy in front of him was and how-

‘’Y-you’re beautiful,’’ Hide got ahead of him. ‘’Really, Kaneki.’’ Kaneki almost jumped to the bed to feel Hide’s warmth again, to feel what he saw. Back on the mattress, Kaneki stared at Hide. They both did nothing, thinking about what to do next. Hide was the first to quit the staring.

‘’You got the stuff?’’

‘’Yes.’’ Kaneki waved the small tube in front of Hide’s face, who gladly took it. After analysing it, Hide’s mouth gaped.

‘’Is this… is this your aunt’s?!’’

‘’It is.’’

‘’Wow, ‘Neki,’’ Hide laughed. ‘’I had never taken you for mischievous.’’

‘’What? You don’t like it?’’

‘’That’s something else,’’ and Hide dove down to take Kaneki’s lips between his own. Kaneki let out a surprised gasp. Hide did definitely like it, stroking his tongue against Kaneki’s and moving his hips again. Through the kisses, Hide was murmuring something.

‘’Love it… every- ngh, every part of you.’’

‘’What?’’

Hide placed his hand on Kaneki’s cheek, eyes full of affection. Kaneki felt as if he was going to cry, overwhelmed by emotion. ‘’I love you.’’

Kaneki’s eyes widened, and he stuttered. What was this all of a sudden? Hide laughed again. ‘’Don’t act so surprised. You said it before too.’’ Kaneki went back to the day and found out that, yes, he said it too. His cheeks heated up.

‘’Ugh, Hide… a-are you just trying to embarrass me?’’ Kaneki hid his face behind his arms. Hide snorted.

‘’If that could be my job, then I would be the happiest. But no,’’ Hide achieved to pull Kaneki’s arms off his face, looking at him again. ‘’I forgot to say it earlier, sorry.’’

‘’So, now moving on to the main event,’’ Hide uncapped the tube and poured its content on the palm of his hand. Kaneki was for one second worried about his aunt being able to notice how much emptier her lotion tube was, but those thoughts were gone the moment he felt the now coated finger against his entrance again.

All Kaneki did was look at Hide’s face and follow his instructions to move to a decent position. He was too scared to do anything else.

This time it felt different from the first try. When the first digit pushed through the muscle, it felt weird, but not bad.

‘’Kaneki, breath.’’ Kaneki roughly breathed through his nose, not aware of how much he needed the oxygen before. His whole body relaxed, and Hide was able to push in further. Hide also didn’t look at anything but Kaneki, numb except for his hand.

‘’So, you wanna get something to eat after this?’’

Kaneki laughed, but then tensed again when Hide added a second finger. ‘’You okay there?’’ Kaneki whimpered, not really convincing Hide of his wellbeing. ‘’Just… it only hurts a little. Nothing too bad.’’

Hide hummed, dragging his fingers out of Kaneki and pushing them in again with a slower pace. Kaneki senses that Hide was as nervous as he himself, maybe even more. For some reason, it made him relax a little.

It was dead silent when Kaneki gave a small moan. For Hide, it was a sign to speed up a little. Kaneki had never fingered himself, and the sensation of this was something to get used to. He wanted to get used to it.

Hide stretched him open slowly, added another finger, and went on for some minutes. Kaneki felt frustration building within him, because this was just not enough. Every touch felt so sensitive, right to bring him at the edge, but not enough to satisfy him. But for now, that it was Hide who was filling him up, it was enough.

‘’You still okay?’’

‘’I-I’m okay.’’

‘’Then, do you think you’re ready?’’ Hide stopped, and Kaneki surprised himself with a whine leaving his lips for losing the friction. Maybe he needed this more than he thought.

‘’You can continue.’’ It could have been his messed up mind, but Kaneki thought he heard a relieved sigh coming from Hide. It made him feel warm thinking about how much Hide wanted this.

Kaneki heard Hide groan, and when he raised his head to see what Hide was doing, he was met with the view of Hide… touching himself. His hand was wrapped around his length, stroking it. Kaneki then saw the lotion on his erection. This was really happening.

Hide wiped off his dirty hand on the sheets, shot an apologizing look to Kaneki, then returned to wipe off the last stuff. He settled himself between Kaneki’s legs, and Kaneki’s heartbeat began to speed up.

Hide must have seen it, shushing him and kissing his lips. His chest touched Kaneki’s like they were already one.

‘’You’re really alright?’’

‘’I’m fine.’’

‘’Not scared?’’

‘’Maybe a little,’’ Kaneki calmed himself down enough to be able to smile. ‘’But it’s okay when it’s you.’’

Hide blushed, now hiding his face into Kaneki’s chest. ‘’Oh my god, _Kaneki_. Don’t say stuff like that. That’s just too adorable.’’

‘’Hide…’’ Kaneki tried to push Hide away without letting him show his face, still red from embarrassment.

‘’It is,’’ Hide took his position again, one hand bringing his length to Kaneki’s entrance. ‘’And I’m a little scared too, actually. I guess that’s a good thing?’’

‘’How’s that a good thing?’’

‘’Dunno, just saying whatever comes to mind.’’

‘’Why?’’

‘’I’m too nervous.’’

Kaneki closed his eyes and nodded. Before Hide could ask what he was doing, Kaneki quickly said ‘’You can do it.’’

There happened nothing for some long seconds, but then he felt Hide pushing himself into Kaneki. It hurt, that was for sure. Enough to want to stop, but there was also the excitement that wanted him to continue.

Hide whispered sorry over and over again. Kaneki didn’t know how he could hear Hide, he thought he was screaming. Hide didn’t stop moving, because Kaneki didn’t tell him to, and together they got Hide to the hilt into Kaneki. Then there was utter stillness, Hide only panting, wanting to move.

Kaneki felt like he was going mad. He had loosened up enough to let the pain lessen for the biggest part, but was terrified that it would return as soon as Hide would begin to move again. So he took his time, trying not to mind how egocentric it made him feel.

‘’Hide, c-could you move?’’

Hide groaned and pulled out very slowly, only to grind back in again. The sensuality made Kaneki quicken his breath. It still didn’t feel breath-taking, but this was already better than the pain. And that Hide found pleasure in it also helped to get through the less enjoyable feelings.

‘’Oh _fuck_ \- Kaneki, hmmm… this feels so- ngh, so good.’’

‘’H-hide, can you- ahh, faster… please.’’

It was when Hide began to quicken his pace, clumsy but far reaching, Kaneki opened his eyes and moaned, hard. Electric sparks went through his whole spine every time Hide grinded into him.

Kaneki looked up at Hide, but then pulled Hide towards himself shortly after, having their chests grind against each other as well. Just now, Hide had a look on his face that could seriously kill him. His mouth was wide open, eyes screwed closed and brows furrowed. He had moaned his name, was still moaning his name. Looking any longer at that, and Kaneki would’ve been out right then and there.

Now, Hide’s erratic movements gave friction to his own erection too. ‘’Hide I’m… I’m close.’’

Hide only groaned, pushing him into the mattress even more. Kaneki grabbed Hide’s hair when he felt his climax approaching, dug his face into his scalp. He screamed against Hide’s crown when he came.

‘’Fu- Ken, Ken _Kenkenken_ …’’ Kaneki didn’t let go of Hide when he felt Hide shoving himself into him as deep as possible for one last time before coming as well.

They lay there for what could have been an hour, Hide with his cheek on Kaneki’s chest, making figures on Kaneki’s upper arm with his fingers. They eventually noticed that Hide still hadn’t gotten himself out of Kaneki, and Hide lazily got onto his knees to pull himself out with a hiss, only to fall back onto Kaneki after that.

‘’We should clean up.’’

‘’Hmm…’’

‘’Put your aunt’s lotion back.’’

‘’Hmmm,’’ Kaneki didn’t feel like moving at all right now. They still had tomorrow, so no rush.

‘’Well, that’s your choice,’’ Hide pulled the sheets over both of them, lying next to Kaneki. ‘’But don’t be grumpy tomorrow if you feel nasty or something.’’ Hide’s face was so close to Kaneki that he could see the specks of light in the tired eyes.

‘’So…’’

There was some tension that returned, and Kaneki had an idea what Hide was thinking about. ‘’What did you think? Any good?’’

Kaneki blushed over Hide’s bluntness. ‘’Well, I guess it felt… good.’’ Kaneki thought for a second, as if to confirm that he really agreed with his own words. ‘’And a continuation, I would like that, that is, uh… if you want to.’’ Was that too desperate?

Hide smiled goofily, pulling Kaneki into a hug. ‘’I’d like that very much.’’

They started to feel heavy, sleep taking over them. But just before that moment came, Kaneki broke the silence. ‘’Hide, I think I want to move in with you.’’

‘’Wait, what?’’ Hide sounded as if he was in a daze yet very awake.

‘’After graduation, I want to move in with you.’’

‘’Really?!’’

‘’Really.’’

‘’Why the change all of a sudden? You don’t feel forced right?’’

‘’No, I-‘’ How was Kaneki going to explain this without ending up running out of his bedroom? ‘’I trust you, and I want to spend all of my nights like… like this.’’

Hide said nothing, but then Kaneki felt the other’s chest hitch and heard a sob. ‘’Hide!-‘’ Hide pushed Kaneki’s head into his chest, as if to protect himself.

‘’Ah, sorry, but I have to do this, otherwise I’ll never stop bawling again.’’

‘’Okay.’’

Hide’s chest was warm, and so were the arms around him. Kaneki smiled, even when the situation didn’t really ask for it. He felt lighter than he had for a long time, and even now Hide was softly crying out on his pillow and holding Kaneki close, Kaneki felt happier than ever.

Hide slowly started to calm down and his breathing became even. Kaneki held his eyes open until he was sure that Hide had really fallen asleep, feeling like he had to protect him until then.

He kissed Hide’s skin and fell asleep in his lovers arms, not giving a single care about the tube of lotion that lay on the ground.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Hook me up on tumblr: @nitsuki-baka


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